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QUIPS OF WISDOM

 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; 
And to have the two as close together as possible.
 
– George Burns
 
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
 
– Victor Borge
 
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
 
– Mark Twain
 
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, 
You’ll become a philosopher.
 
– Socrates
 
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 
– Groucho Marx
 
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
 
– Jimmy Durante
 
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
 
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: 
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
 
– Alex Levine
 
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
 
– Rodney Dangerfield
 
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Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
 
– Spike Milligan
 
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
 
– Joe Namath
 
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
 
– Bob Hope
 
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
 
– W. C. Fields
 
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
 
– Will Rogers
 
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
 
– Winston Churchill
 
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, 
Fall out, or spread out.
 
– Phyllis Diller
 
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
 
– Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Bill W
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